The Original

Masking Mediocrity since 1665

• Infused with rare scents that overpower working-class odors.
• Handwoven in Monaco from the hair of tax-exempt Peruvian alpacas.
• Monogrammed with your family crest, assuming it dates back at least six centuries.
• Hand-woven by the last 3 artisans who still refuse to use electricity.
• Pre-scented with bergamot, inherited wealth, and vague disdain.
• Comes with a handwritten note from a duchess reminding you why you’re better.
• Guaranteed to be more expensive than your last car payment.
• 100% free of middle-class aspirations.

Usage

• Press it against your nose when in an Uber.
• Wave it dismissively at an overenthusiastic waiter.
• Dab your brow when contemplating the horrors of public transport.
• Hold it up when someone mispronounces “charcuterie.”
• Wave it to signal for your driver without making eye contact.
• Cover your drink with it when standing too close to someone who shops at Costco.
• Press it to your forehead if you accidentally overhear a coworker discuss their “budget.”

SnobSwab™ Baby

Not Designed for Ordinary Babies.

• Woven from Egyptian cotton sheets that were never slept in.
• Moistened with Evian, Perrier, and a single tear from Taylor Swift.
• pH-balanced to prevent exposure to anything average.
• Individually wrapped in single-use Fabergé egg casings.

Usage

• Wipe baby from head to toe to insulate from the ordinary.
• Focus on baby's bottom to prevent unpleasentness of any kind.